This Tuesday I had coffee with Anita and she shared her recent exploration of the deep feminine – the creative chaos.     

ANITA VAN DER MERWE writes: 

“The dance between men and women, particularly in intimate relationships, has been a fascinating and rich topic of exploration for me for many years. Lately I have come to realise this interest is inviting me to explore this deeper within myself, to listen to what the relationship between the masculine and feminine energies in my own being wants me to understand, or to feel. And I have come to realise that for a large part of my life I have suppressed the feminine side, judging her as ‘too much’ or even discarded her strong feelings and promptings as undesirable or unwanted… This suppression has caused a lot of pain inside of me, but also outside of me in my intimate relationships, as these are often a mirror of what is going on inside of me.

Lately, this feminine energy in me is rising, demanding to be heard, expressed and honoured. Exploring the essence of what this feminine energy inside of me is, I rarely encounter a structured, final answer. It seems to be more of a creative process, or as the term arose yesterday, creative chaos. Yes, sometimes even destructive chaos, and that dismantling or letting go may be needed to create space for something new. The point being, this is not a neat and orderly energy. Rather, it seems to be the organic, unstructured potential of life, death and everything in between. The term ‘rewilding’ has come to my attention often over the last few years, which is a beautiful way of inviting the feminine back into my life. The definition of rewilding is: “the process of protecting an environment and returning it to its natural state”. And this is what I want to do: to rediscover my natural state and bring it into the world.

For me, the medicine of the mature feminine is often the shadow, the places I don’t want to go to within myself, that which I would rather escape from by whatever means necessary. But getting in touch with these unseen parts of myself is part of the rewilding process. Recognising my shadow side may even free me up to access more of my natural creative energy – without blocking my pure potential with doubts or self-judgement, I can give free expression to what arises in me spontaneously, trusting that it has worth in the world, as it is. Whether that is through writing, dancing or whatever creative form speaks closely to my heart in the moment, the feminine energy is the wild force that drives it, guides it and in-forms the form of it.

The feminine energy is not for women only! Quite the contrary. Men need access to this aspect in themselves even more urgently. For their own sakes, but also the sake of everyone and everything around them. Social, political, financial and environmental issues are often severely impacted (if not entirely caused by) lack of feminine energies of compassion, understanding, empathy and being in touch with our deeper feelings and intuition. Imagine a world where this feminine energy inside each of us is in the leading or guiding seat (for example, compassion), with a clear, honourable masculine energy carrying out the necessary action called forth by her! Not action for the sake of it, out of fear or being driven by greed or similar immature ego states, but right action in right relationship with all life. I want to live in a world like that.

Which is why I spend time connecting with and cultivating my own mature feminine energy. Do I know what to do? No. It is an exploration, a willingness to listen, to be guided by something deeper inside of me. It takes courage, audacity even, to trust yourself to that degree. To feel deeply and to share vulnerably with others. To know that as humans we are not a separate species that have to ‘get on top’ or ‘make it’ or compete with or compare ourselves to others until we are exhausted and properly lost. No. We are part of everything we see around us, intricately. Our actions impact everyone and everything, no matter how insignificant we may feel inside. Which is why it is so important to pay attention to ourselves, to what we are truly feeling – so we can take ownership and responsibility for it and stop projecting it out in destructive tendencies. And to recognise and love our own shadow aspects, and compassionately bring it home to the fullness that we are.

Maybe then love can save us, after all…”

by Anita van der Merwe